Series: Coping with Infidelity
What exactly defines infidelity? Most of us believe that infidelity is the act of intercourse occurring with an external person outside a relationship. Interestingly, feelings of hurt and betrayal can be equally intense on discovering that your partner has been having secret regular coffee dates with a work colleague. People Magazine asked readers to define an extra-marital affair, with this result.
- 21% thinking about an involvement
- 21% dinner and drinks
- 24% kissing and petting
- 26% sexual intercourse
- 8% n/a
Whilst the definition of infidelity varies, many people describe the aftermath as worse than losing their partner through death. This is because relationships survive after death, but do not always survive after infidelity. When a partner dies, he or she is remembered fondly and despite sadness and loneliness, love continues through memories and photographs. After infidelity, the relationship becomes unstable, and research shows that one of three things occur.
- The affair is ignored and may continue or is repeated but nothing changes in the relationship.
- The relationship ends.
- The affair stops. The old relationship discontinues and a new relationship begins.
Before we examine what may lie in the future, let’s look at where you are now. The discovery of an affair can sometimes be catastrophic. Feelings such as denial, anger and betrayal can trigger behaviours such as excessive drinking, eating and smoking which can affect our thought processes, sleeping patterns and general functioning.
In previous posts we’ve discussed relationship breakdown. Next we analyse one of the most sensitive and undesired situations in a relationship: infidelity.
Follow-Up Posts:
- Infidelity: Other Losses
- Infidelity: Do’s and Don’ts
- Infidelity: But Why?
- Types of Affairs
- Infidelity Demographics
- Consequences of Infidelity
- Infidelity: Stages of Grief
- Infidelity: Getting Through It
- Infidelity: Making a Decision
Related Series: Coping with Relationship Breakdown, Pre-Marriage Counselling, Anger Management – Series
“People Magazine asked readers to define an extra-marital affair, with this result.
21% thinking about an involvement
21% dinner and drinks
24% kissing and petting
26% sexual intercourse
8% n/a”
Do you agree with the results? How would YOU define infidelity?
If we are not aware of our partner’s emotional and mental state, then how can we determine how we should feel in response to an incident where they had an affair? Infidelity in any form could originate from mistrust, loss of connection or a misalignment of values with your significant other. Each of these factors signifies a lack of empathy and common ground in a relationship. Hence, the events that led to an affair can sometimes be more important than the affair itself.
If one partner is more worried that their significant other will cheat than whether their partner empathizes with the viewpoint and values shared in the relationship then this in itself is a cause for greater concern. If both partners in the relationship are aware of each other’s emotional and mental state then they are more able to anticipate each other’s behavior. As such, if one of the partners in the relationship did cheat, it would make the process of moving past the affair more possible.
Based on this, I would define an unfaithful relationship where both partners have a different view on how a relationship should function, infidelity arises where there is a mutual lack of empathy for those views. If the partners have a healthy relationship prior to a spontaneous act of infidelity then their potential to recuperate from the event is greater. On the other hand, an unhealthy relationship even where there is no affair already signifies infidelity on one level. For example, a husband may worry about his wife cheating constantly thus creating the infidelity [in his mind] even where there is none in reality.
Ultimately, our partner can hurt us in many ways irrespective of how we define infidelity to them. The most important factor however, is whether we are able to move past those hurts and grow together in the relationship, or decide that the relationship is not right for us and that it is time to move on.