Losing a Loved One: Abnormal Grief
Sometimes, the normal mourning process can turn to complicated or abnormal grieving for a number of reasons. These can include the circumstances of the death, the person’s history of grieving experiences, and the personality of the bereaved and the availability of support. We discussed earlier the more common reactions experienced in grief, but in order to identify abnormal grief, we can categorise complicated grief reactions into four headings.
1. Chronic grief reactions
Grief can become chronic in cases where the bereaved no longer believes they have an identity without the deceased. They feel that they cannot function alone. Chronic grief is the most common form of abnormal grief and typically affects people who have lost their long time partner.
2. Delayed grief
This type of abnormal grief can occur unexpectedly some time after the death of the loved one. The bereaved appears to function well immediately after the death, but is really delaying the grief due to other life stressors, including supporting others and arranging funerals. The grief occurs at a later date in response to another loss or as a reminder of the loss.
3. Exaggerated grief
Exaggerated grief is where the bereaved person is so overwhelmed by the death of their loved one, that they develop major psychiatric disorders such as phobias and disabling helplessness.
4. Masked grief reactions
When the bereaved experiences physical symptoms that do not at first appear to be related to the loss, it can be a masked grief reaction. This type of abnormal grief is thought to occur when normal grief cannot be openly expressed because of cultural or societal factors.
As a widow of four years I agree with this post. Grief appears in a multitude of forms, but sometimes it can just get out of hand, and when it goes on too long, and there is no movement forward by the bereaved, it is best to talk with a professional.
hi, have done a 10 week course through a bereavement care program in a hospital and yes everything is covered. But dont forget compounded grief. Sometimes the pile up of grief covers the person so there is no way out of it. Thanks
I have been a grief counsellor for a few years now, and no matter what you ‘think’ you know, or understand as a counsellor, there is always more to learn. I thought I understood grief after the death of my son, fifteen years ago – but now I wonder if we ever really understand how we feel.
I have just lost three significant people in my life over a four month period, and every death was different. Many multi-faceted layers of grief and pain, all tangled up together. I watch as other members of my family manage their grief in different ways. Some healthy, and some unhealthy. BUT, I have realised one ‘thing’ on my journey thus far – that there are no answers or solutions. We have to ‘own’ our pain – no way around it – just ‘through’ it.
Yes, we can learn strategies to support ourselves – but, what we really need at the time of our despair is someone near us to listen. No judgement – just to be there as we ‘vent’ our pain. Whether that be a friend, family member, or counsellor.
It’s all quite simple really. Life happens – there’s no changing it.
THANKS! KAREN
I always knew grief was the big one and that it would be difficult to deal with, but I was surprised at the ways that it could affect me and for how long. My husband has had alzheimers since he was 47 (10 years). I lost him a long time ago but his body continues. I decided last week to let my husband go,after all, he left years ago. I still give my time to this lovely man who has my husband’s body.
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-Jan
Hi Jan,
Thanks for the accolades!
As long as you reference the content (acknowledge its source and authors), you are more than welcome to republish our content in your website.
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Editor.
Ihave been a widow for three and a half years and I also have two teenage daughters. This article covers many aspects of grief, however it doesn’t look at complicated or delayed grief from the perspective of partners that are left to raise children on their own. I have found this to be quite a challenge as well as taking on all the jobs around the house, that my husband once did including managing family finances etc. These can be huge contributors to the grief process. We are getting on with our lives reasonably well, but I so wish people would read articles like these and stop and think before they judge, the road is not an easy one but is only made more difficult when people make judgements and tell you “You must stay strong”
As a single mother whose partner abandoned the family completely, leaving me to raise my daughter’s alone, I can empathize with Helen. I’d also like to add that there is a need in our society to support women in situations like mine (of whom there are many). I know from experience that support is almost entirely missing. We are left to soldier on, hold ourselves together for the kids, try to support them through their abandonment, learn to be father, mother, sole breadwinner and take over the dual gender roles on our own. There is no ritual or ceremony to allow us to grieve and no provision within society, for us to have a period of gentleness with ourselves. We are simply left to cope. The result for me has been chronic and debilitating health problems, which have only compounded and complicated the grief and guilt with more loss…and weakened the ability to function as a double-sided entity. It is true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger; but sometimes it is a fine line.
As a widow, bereaved suddenly following an aeortic anuerism in a seemly
healthy 56 year old partner of amost 40 years then having 2 turn off life support on the 4th day, getting our 2 grown daughters home 2 C him 4 the last time, organizing a funeral at short notice full of grief & disbelief, I can only concurr with all the above, In tears myself all over again, even after 3 l/2 years. I was overwelmingly determined 2 move on & heal well after this traumatic shock 2 our successfull life 2gether, but feel due 2 the girl’s anger (one much worst than the other compounded by their lives going on with new babies of their own & relationshiips continuing because of conection 2 their dad) that one must do the best they can, but not sure how 2 achieve that, apart from not wanting more pain 4 us all! Please put me in touch with these other lonely ladies (& men) & perhaps we can by sharing the hurtfull feelings, better move on as must we have 2 do! ThankU
Hi Jenni.
Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. We’re sure it will inspire many of our readers.
I went through a parent dying when I was 9. However I didn’t have the words to describe it at the time. They died in a different way. My dad had 2 personalities, one was a fake personality that was full of niceness, honesty and nuturing and caring. The fake personality suddenly disappeared and was replaced with his other real personality, evil, abusive, ect. I couldn’t let go of the first personality though and so the grief was suppressed. A trigger brought that grief up again when I was 19 and the grief turned into a roaring tiger of anger, pain and crying all suppressed. I developed PTSD. At 32 I finally got the grief out and accepted the death of the first dad. I cried experienced powerful cycling emotions for 4 months that I just wanted to die. Death comes in different ways I think.
My 16 year old niece lost her mum to cancer very suddenly. She has now moved in with us and i am extremely concerned as she seems totally fine. Still laughing, singing, joking, going out with friends no ups or downs at all. In fact she is acting exactly the same as she did before her mum died. I would say her mothers death has hit my husband who was her brother harder. I see no change in her personality or behaviour if i am using her actions before her mother death. I am very concerned with this situation thus have been looking up how to understand grief. I know its a very individual experience but from what i have read, i don’t see any typical stages of grief.
My husband died in 1999 we were married 25 yrs. In 2001 Mom passes 2007 then Dad. Lost grandchildren 3 and 18 maths through adoption haven’t seen them in nine yrs. lost boyfriend to addiction in 2016 and then my very best friend in 2018. I haven’t grieved.
Acknowledgement is the first thing that you need to do to cope with grief and loss. Oftentimes, many people find it difficult to deal with the pain caused by the loss of their loved ones because they refuse to acknowledge the fact that such pain exists to begin with. This is unhealthy, of course. Denial may help you forget about the pain for a while, but in the long run, the suppressed memories of your loss will only come haunting you.