Loneliness is often cited as merely being a state of being alone – this is perhaps not accurate, however. Loneliness is not a situation as much as it is a “state of mind characterized by negative emotions regarding the perception of being alone” (Tiwari, 2013). This definition points to one fundamental and overlooked fact about loneliness: it is not a circumstance; it is a feeling. What and how we think about our situation defines our experience of it.

With this in mind, this article will discuss what loneliness is, the different types of loneliness, the significance of loneliness in the history of human culture, and strategies for coping with loneliness.

What is loneliness?

As mentioned above, loneliness is a state of mind rather than a situation. This is curious because solitude is not required for loneliness to arise. In fact, research has suggested that being alone and experiencing loneliness are only moderately correlated, suggesting that something else is at play here (Matthews et al., 2016). For all practical purposes, you could feel lonely when surrounded by other people, and perfectly at ease when entirely alone; it is a purely subjective experience.

The idea that loneliness does not necessitate solitude can be tested through using what is called the UCLA Loneliness Scale (Russell, Peplau, & Cutrona, 1980). This scale measures loneliness through asking questions such as “How often do you feel that you lack companionship?” and “How often do you feel left out?”. From here, it is possible to get an indication of how lonely a person is. A high score on the UCLA Loneliness Scale is usually indicative of a chronically lonely person (Russell et al., 1980).

Considering those questionnaire items, you can see that the UCLA Loneliness Scale does not revolve around a situation or circumstance, but instead looks at thoughts and feelings. Thus, it can be concluded that loneliness is not always about being physically alone; instead, it is primarily about subjective feelings of isolation and disconnectedness from others (Russell et al., 1980). This suggests a way forward for tackling loneliness.

For further insight into exactly what loneliness is, the BBC conducted a survey in 2019 asking participants what loneliness means to them (Qualter et a., 2019). The most common answers were:

  • Feeling disconnected to the world
  • Feeling left out
  • Sadness
  • Not feeling understood

Again, we see a preoccupation with feelings rather than situations, confirming again the subjective and internal nature of loneliness. Of course, being physically alone can be a catalyst for feelings of loneliness, but research is yet to find a genuine causation between the two. It is more-so the case that an individual’s relationship with thoughts and feelings paves the way towards feelings of loneliness. That is not to say that loneliness is an illusory problem; in fact, in a survey of 10,000 people it was found that 61% felt somewhat lonely (Cigna, 2020), suggesting the importance of tackling this problem head-on.

Before moving on, let’s briefly examine the different types of loneliness that a person may encounter:

Situational loneliness: This type of loneliness is brought on by particular life events such as moving away from an existing social group or being removed from the group for some reason – this could be due to conflict, or a circumstance like having differing work schedules.

Developmental loneliness: Humans are hard-wired for connection, and if this need isn’t satisfied in childhood, then the person may carry feelings of loneliness with them throughout the remainder of their life. Having a turbulent or unstable upbringing may cause young people to not build strong connections with others, and thus this effect can take place.

Internal loneliness: Aside from situational and developmental, internal loneliness is purely the perception of being alone – whether that be true or not. People with low self-esteem or anxiety often experience this, as they can feel unwelcome or excluded from social networks.
Each of these three types of loneliness can be experienced as transient (brief and temporary) or chronic (constant and long-lasting). Regardless of which type, everybody has dipped their toes in the cold pool of loneliness at some point in their lives – it is a truly universal experience that seems to speak to something fundamental about the human psyche.

Loneliness in context

Although the UCLA Loneliness Scale is a unique and interesting measurement tool in its own right, it does not explain why people become lonely in the first place. This can be done through investigating other ways that loneliness has been observed throughout history.

In his book “The Lonely Crowd,” David Riesman (1950) discussed how, as society matures and becomes more comfortable with itself, individuals begin to feel isolated from society as a whole. This leads to feelings of social anxiety, which can be defined as the constant feeling of being aware of others while at the same time being subconsciously unable to communicate with them (Riesman 1950). This can be seen as a form of loneliness, and Riesman refers to this emotion as “a feeling of ‘being out of tune with reality’ ” (Riesman 1950).

This feeling is not new to human culture. In the past, many great thinkers have explored the idea of loneliness. In fact, the ‘Epic of Gilgamesh’, an ancient Mesopotamian poem written around 2100 BC, and the earliest surviving piece of human literature, features loneliness as a prominent theme. Even 4000 years ago, when cultures were almost unrecognizable from our own, the experience of loneliness was familiar and pervasive. This is rooted in the fact that loneliness is an adaptive survival mechanism. Without a negative experience to identify disconnection from a group, we would not be motivated to reconnect with that group, and as such, would not benefit from the protection and resources that a group provides.
Loneliness is not a ‘bug’ in the system; it is a vital factor that contributes to the survival of each individual and the species as a whole. That being said, the modern world seems to be producing loneliness on an epidemic level, and this is worth correcting. A recent study evaluated levels of loneliness in 113 different countries and concluded that “problematic levels of loneliness are experienced by a substantial proportion of the population in many countries” (Surkalim et al., 2022). This clearly has broad implication for our mental health, and we must find ways to tackle this problem.

Coping with loneliness

Loneliness can be difficult to cope with because it can make people feel out of control, sad, angry, and frustrated. The lonelier someone feels, the more it may impact their moods and cause them to have trouble imagining a future for themselves. As mentioned, loneliness is largely an internal subjective experience, meaning the role of our minds is not to be underestimated.

You may have heard of ‘cognitive biases’ before. Cognitive biases are a set of mental heuristics and shortcuts that result in systematic errors in thinking and judgment, and contribute to irrational decision-making. Cognitive biases lead us to perceive certain information as reliable or true, when in fact there is little to no real-life evidence to support this. These types of processes can exacerbate feelings of loneliness. What follows are three types of cognitive biases, and how they can contribute to loneliness; understanding these can be instrumental in coping with these feelings:

Confirmation bias: This is a process involving only paying attention to information that supports existing preconceptions. For example, if you feel lonely due to believing nobody wants to be around you, you may be hyper-sensitive to social cues that seem to support this – whether true or not.

Self-serving bias: This cognitive bias is a tendency to attribute positive outcomes to internal or personal factors, and negative outcomes to external or situational factors. For example, if you feel lonely in your social network and believe this is a result of being unlikable, and then experience rejection from someone you attempt to approach, you may attribute their rejection to the fact that you were ‘unlikable’ despite the fact that you are only bringing this up after the fact.

Anchoring bias: This is a cognitive bias involving over-reliance on the first piece of information encountered about a topic. For example, if you are a generally anxious person, you may enter into a social situation and notice that nobody stops their conversation to explicitly greet you. From this first piece of information, you deduce that nobody likes you, cares about you, or wants you there, and any proceeding evidence otherwise is ignored.

This type of thinking is inherently irrational, but it’s easy to understand why it happens. It is just as important to realise that these types of biases are completely common, and having them does not mean that someone is “less mentally stable” than others. Learning to identify and apprehend them when they arise can be the first step in dismantling feelings of loneliness. Ways to dismantle cognitive biases include:

  • Become mindful of your own thought processes. This means simply observing the stream of thoughts that pass through your mind, and being cognizant of when you are thinking in a way that might be detrimental to your overall well-being.
  • Ask yourself whether or not the information/ idea/ belief is reasonable (i.e., based on a logical understanding of facts)
  • Think about what else could have contributed to your situation, and whether it may have been relevant in any way.
  • Try to think about other explanations for why the person rejected you, that don’t involve you being ‘unlikable’.

In addition to attending to the thought process that contribute to loneliness, there are practical behaviors that you can enact in your life that have been proven to lessen feelings of loneliness and increase feelings of connectedness and wellbeing. Strategies like exercising, spending time with friends, and volunteering are not only pleasant, but they can help relieve the stress of loneliness.

Exercise: With so much time spent in front of screens for both work and leisure, our bodies are craving a more physical form of stimulation – one that doesn’t involve our thumbs. In a study conducted at the University of Buffalo in 2018, researchers found that exercise can actually combat feelings of loneliness. In fact, one session was enough to positively affect loneliness levels for up to 20 hours. The researchers found that this had less to do with the social aspect (i.e., going to the gym) and more to do with the physical benefits that exercise provides.

Socialising: This is also a no-brainer with regards to loneliness, but it is worth mentioning because when you’re lonely it’s easy to fall into a pattern of isolating yourself. Spending time with people who you like, especially in face-to-face interactions, is a proven way to take your mind off your own issues and insecurities and make you feel better overall.

Volunteering: Another activity that can help combat feelings of loneliness is volunteering, which has been proven to help people feel less lonely specifically because they are serving others (Carrasco et al., 2018). These feelings of giving back may be associated with improved in-group/out-group perception, meaning that when people feel good about themselves and their sense of purpose, they are more likely to see themselves as a part of a larger community. This is backed up by research from the University of Chicago and Stanford published in 2011, which found that people who help others tend to have a greater sense of meaning in their life.

Social Media: Despite slowly losing its ‘coolness’ factor, social media sites like Facebook can still be an effective way to increase your awareness of your group (or groups) affiliation. This can be tricky, however, since using Facebook as a means to try and initiate new friendships or relationships can put undue stress on your personal life if you’re not careful.

Contemplating Nature: Another simple way to feel less lonely is to just be outside. Even a walk through a park will do the trick. Research from the University of New South Wales found that people who spend time in nature experience less loneliness than those who don’t (Greiling, 2016). This may also be attributed to how urban settings are often devoid of plants and trees which are essential components of natural environments.

There are a number of simple and accessible behaviors and habits that a person can undertake to alleviate the negative effects of loneliness. Some of these attend to physical life circumstances, and others attend to the psychological experience; when used in combination, these approaches form a valuable toolkit for coping with loneliness. 

Conclusion

As you work to cope with feelings of loneliness, try to take solace in the fact that you are not truly alone. The world is full of lonely people, and they are all struggling to deal with this very difficult experience. By virtue of it being a subjective experience, it can be difficult to cope with; it often will not suffice to merely be around other people – psychological interventions must take place, such as the ones outlined in this article. By extending an invitation to connect with others or with yourself in a deeper way, you can gradually work to dismantle this experience, and foster a greater sense of wellbeing in your life.

References

Carrasco, M.A., Krieger, B., Lindau, S.T., Cassilhas, R.M., & Barbosa, P. (2018). The association between volunteerism and loneliness: Cross-sectional evidence from seven countries in the Americas. International Journal of Behavioral Medicine. doi:10.1007/s12529-018-9793-0

Greiling, H., & du Plessis, A (2016). The benefits of nature in natural and urban environments: A meta-analysis. Journal of Environmental Psychology48, 31– 46. doi:10.1016/j.jenvp.2016.07.006

Morris, M.G., & Pagani, L. (2018). The Relationship Between Self-referential Processing and Depressive Symptoms: A Meta-analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Review23, 774–800. doi:10.1177/1088868316661971

Oxford English Dictionary (2018). loneliness [online] Available at: https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/loneliness [Accessed 23 June 2019].

Matthews, T., Danese, A., Wertz, J., Odgers, C. L., Ambler, A., Moffitt, T. E., & Arseneault, L. (2016). Social isolation, loneliness and depression in young adulthood: A behavioural genetic analysis. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology51(3), 339-348. doi:10.1007/s00127-016-1178-7

Mayo Clinic (2019). Lonely – Causes Treatment Medication Side Effects [online] Available at: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/loneliness/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20357762. [Accessed 23 June 2019].

Surkalim D L, Luo M, Eres R, Gebel K, van Buskirk J, Bauman A et al. (2022) The prevalence of loneliness across 113 countries: systematic review and meta-analysis. BMJ376:e067068 doi:10.1136/bmj-2021-067068

Tiwari S. C. (2013). Loneliness: A disease?. Indian Journal of Psychiatry55(4), 320–322. https://doi.org/10.4103/0019-5545.120536